“There isn’t a rich man in your vast city who doesn’t perjure himself every year before the tax board.”
-Mark Twain
Many a tall tale will be told today.
On Honesty and the Tax Man
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Category Archives: Mark Twain in Today’s World
On War and Its Endless Justifications
“We build a fire in a powder magazine, then double the fire department to put it out. We inflame wild beasts with the smell of blood, and then innocently wonder at the wave of brutal appetite that sweeps the land as a consequence.”
-Mark Twain, 1907 speech
It’s the same old story. Playing with fire and wondering why it burns.
On Being a True Gentleman
“If any man has just merciful and kindly instincts he would be a gentleman, for he would need nothing else in the world.”
-Mark Twain, Layman’s Sermon
A gentleman gives to the world more than he takes, and thinks nothing of it.
On Statistics and Their Value
“People commonly use statistics like a drunk uses a lamp post; for support rather than illumination.”
– Mark Twain (attributed)
95% of those polled think I’m a genius. And statistics never lie.
On Governors, Morals, and Ladies of the Night
“Morals consist of political morals, commercial morals, ecclesiastical morals, and morals.”
-Mark Twain
Strangely, it is not unique. That men wear on their sleeve’s the morals that they preach, but not the morals that they actually live by. Often it leads to self-destruction.
That’s why it is often best to steer clear of those that shout their morality too loud, for they likely know all too well of what they speak…
On the 60th Parallel and the Center of the Universe
“There isn’t a Parallel of latitude but thinks it would have been the Equator if it had had its rights.”
-Mark Twain, Following the Equator
The center of the world, that’s what the equator thinks of itself. A balmy middle of equal days and nights, one after the other, on and on, breezing along in the warm sun.
But stand at any point on earth – say, for instance, the 60th parallel – where polar bears lumber and long winter nights reveal shimmering curtains of light from the rarefied, electrically-charged atmosphere known as Aurora Borealis.
What, then, is so special of the equator? All points are at once center and edge. Head out long enough in one direction and you’ll soon be back right where you started. Every place is its own equator.
Mark Twain takes a break:
I don’t think Mark Twain ever visited the 60th parallel, but, well, somebody has to. I’ll be away for the next three weeks on an Earthwatch expedition to Churchill, Manitoba. It seems as if Mark Twain would rather stay nearer the “equator” and wait for his adoring admirer to come full circle. We’ll be back the first week of March. Keep the faith.
On Accepting Compliments and Liking It
“I do not make any pretense that I dislike compliments. The stronger the better and I can manage to digest them.”
-Mark Twain, speech, “The Last Lotos Club”
Do go on.
Really, though, enough about me…
How was I?
On Party and Patriotism
“No party holds the privilege of dictating to me how I shall vote. If loyalty to party is a form of patriotism, I am no patriot. If there is any valuable difference between a monarchist and an American, it lies in the theory that the American can decide for himself what is patriotic and what isn’t. I claim that difference. I am the only person in the sixty millions that is privileged to dictate my patriotism.”
-Mark Twain
Party politics is the reality of our political process, but does it always foster a truly patriotic spirit?
Nobody, whether Democrat, Republican, or any other political party, can decree what constitutes individual patriotism. For better or worse, that is left for me to decide – but only for me. You’ll have to decide for yourself, as will what is now some 300 million other American souls.
What a messy business this American republic is. And when it works, what a miracle.
On Improving Man
“If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat.”
-Mark Twain
Besides, the cat would have none of it.
On Why Writing (Well) is Hard Work
“The time to begin writing an article is when you have finished it to your satisfaction. By that time you begin to clearly and logically perceive what it is that you really want to say.”
Just as you finish it you realize you haven’t even yet begun.